fond memories

It's sad that it ended the way it did i know but i was actually really ok. once a relationship starts spiraling downward with the in and out back and forth it should really just be dealt with like a bandaid and that is what we did. we had our long.... kiss goodbye and then i picked up and moved on. I miss you but what i miss more than anything is my good friend. The guy who i could talk to for hours and hours. I'm sorry this is actually harder on you than it has been for me but i know that it's for the best i know you will be fine even though tonight may have done more damage than good for you, my feelings however are unchanged. i love and care for you but i'm no longer in love with you. I worry about you but i know that you will work it out and be equally or even more happy with someone else down the line. I hope i get to see that day, because now, i finally understand why you always said that to me.

Indecision

A choice, a side, a future,
A road devided and I can only do the splits for so long
True for one may not be true for the other
one guided by a map with holes and smuges
one to teasure I may not be allowed to claim
The fog that swirls around my shoulders leaves me with no clear path only a realization that i have nothing with which to warm myself
which way?
Is there no guide on this part of the journey?
No phone a friend life line?
only me, the road and the choice
deep breath,
cross fingers,
step forward...

longing

I was caught off guard by how things happened. I didn't expect to feel this when you left. I had been so torn about how i felt in the first place whether or not i actually trusted you and the feelings i had for you. Then it happened you said good bye and i was sad but you said not to be because this wasn't the end, but how can we be so sure? We who struggle communicating face to face what will we do with over 700 miles between us? I'm lost without a map, i have no idea what to do or how this is going to go, all I know is that I miss you already and it's only day 2, only 178 left to go.

Hormones!

HONESTLY I shouldn't be allowed to be amongst normal people when I'm this unbalanced hormonally! I do stupid things, I'm effected by people far to easily and I always, always, overanalyze my relationships. Stupid poem, stupid timing of his nap, I don't know what i was thinking. I wasn't, this i know, at least not clearly but i did do one smart thing.... nothing i ran away to Rigby so i could whack some weeds and come back to myself. I don't know what it is about killing plants but it is certainly therapeutic. I have worries of course but nothing crazy except for when I'm emotionally unstable and I can't seem to connect to rational thought. In a stress induced frenzy topped off by low blood sugar I thought of giving it all up of cutting out everything that is making my world even the slightest bit complicated but thankfully i came back to myself and realized that I really like that cute funny blue eyed boy, I actually enjoy creating art and I love my roommates despite their best efforts to dislike each other. Why is it that my crazy week always coincides with already emotionally taxing times? I think it is best answered by the tootsie pop slogan "...the world may never know."

delight

These last few days have been great. Nothing too out of the ordinary as far as everyday life goes but i've spent my spare time with you. Every time you reach for me I let you in a little more, every time you do it in front of someone else I trust you a little more and every time you kiss me I fall a little more. It's the little differences that are making it easy to fall back into liking you like i did before. The texts to see how my day is, the fact that you respond almost always. I won't even let myself think about what the end of next week will bring I'm not ready to go there yet. We just got to this point and it will all be changed again. How I'm not exactly sure yet but it won't be the same. For now I'm just going to enjoy you and your closeness and if it's all a dream please don't let me wake up.

Caution

I let those blue eyes take me in again. What do I even say at this point? I like you but I don't trust you. I don't trust your intentions or that you really even like me. With our history can you blame me? Communication has never been our strong suit. I know you're comfortable around me we can both be ourselves and it's easy, but you can find that anywhere what makes you want me? Why now? What changed? We communicate without words well but is that all this is? I've done that time and time again and I can't go back. Not to the never knowing, not to the insecurity, not to the empty feelings of constant doubt. But for all my proclamations of never going back I sure cave whenever it comes to you. I cover up the hurt you caused my heart and say that it wasn't that bad. But the truth is you broke it and now i don't know if you can really have it back again. The truth is I'm scared of what might happen if I let you in one more time.

weighted risk

Sometimes it's hard to see the lesson that should have been learned. Other times it's hard to apply it to what comes next. Almost like a test to see if you really learned anything. You know you have and sometimes regardless of what you've been through or experienced it's hard not to slip back into old habits. Maybe not to the same degree and not in complete truth but your movements happen without thought words fall from your mouth when you wish you would've held them in. Nothing serious or damaging you just see yourself moving in that old way and wonder to yourself "Why am i doing this? I thought I had changed?" Slipping those old comfy shoes on again, so tempting but you know it's not what should be and you aren't the same anymore.

Good, better, best. A hard choice, especially when what you're choosing is still a question mark and may never actually exist. That's the risk you run when you pick door number 3, the wild card or the mystery prize, it may be the greatest thing since sliced bread or you may end up with absolutely nothing. But I, who's almost never a gambling girl, am going to put all my chips on the hope that that prize is everything I hope it will be and more. Worth the risk? You better believe it!

Fond memories

What I'll miss:

How you twirled my hair in your fingers

The swirl of yellow in your green eyes

Your deep thinking when you're sleepy

Being your mermaid

How much we talk about our missions

You opening my doors

Fish kisses

Getting lost with you (even though it may not have seemed like it :-))

How goofy you get late at night

Your sometimes deep voice ;-)

Your aversion to cold

That you have no secrets

How much you love the gospel

Being able to tell you anything (that's a big deal for me)

Cooking dinner with you

How much you talk about your dad and your little brother

Studying with you in the library

You walking me to class

Being able to kiss you just because

Your smell

Your inability to remember names

How you talk to everyone

Dancing bachata with you

Speaking spanish with you

How you tickle my arms

Your awesome tie collection

How easy your emotions are to read on your face

Being able to spend a whole day with you and never running out of things to say

I wish you happiness and I hope that you find someone who deserves you.

lágrimas misterioso

One set of arms invites me in but not with real intent only in loneliness. Another set of arms wishes they could welcome me in but won't do it. So I wrap my own around myself in protection of the heart that no one seems to know how to keep safe. When will the day come where i can let go and not worry if there is a safety net to catch me before i shatter? All day the rain clouds have been hovering above me in an otherwise cloudless sky but with so much sun the storm stays far enough away that i can't truly feel it. I smile i laugh but without truly realizing I'm sad "Oh di me noche amiga si son mías las lágrimas que vierto" I'm too tired to know, the path is too worn between my emotions and so they all bleed together in a indecipherable numbness. I'm hoping sleep will bring the clarity that i seek, that which escapes my anxious mind during waking hours. Vamos a ver what tomorrow brings, more confusion? Or a day of peace long overdue?

Hope

A week of absolute giddiness. Who knew that guys like that were still in existence? But like always the fear creeps in. Always waiting for the closet jerk to appear, for the switch to be flipped and me to be left here wondering what happened. Oh how i hope that isn't the next part of this story. I understand the reservations, the fear, I have my own version of it. The insecurities and doubts that plague every relationship i've had are not absent but they are kept at a distance by you're constant presence but today in your absence and in the sleepy unsure moments we spent together today the small flame of doubt was stoked to one that burns a bit more substantially. I'm hoping that it will be squelched tomorrow when i see you. Normally i would course correct and go into class tomorrow with my i don't need you face on and my red head attitude firmly in place but I can't fake it with you i like you and that's that i've already decided that if you let me down i won't even pretend like i don't care because i would.

I'm scared I seem to be falling down the rabbit hole and I can't even make myself stop long enough to leave bread crumbs to lead myself back if things go wrong. Head first, not looking back, it's very unlike me. I who will do any and everything to protect my heart from being broken again. I'm giving in I'm showing all my cards(well most of them...) and I'm not worried I may still be scared but for the time being my excitement out weighs my fear. I hope that the pattern is broken that I'm not left again with nothing but the confusion of how it got to that point.

Please be all that you seem to be.

late night reflections

There are times when you ask for something from the Lord and when it is answered it makes you sad. Today is one of those days. It's not a bitter sad or one left of the embers of anger but a peaceful almost resolute kind of feeling but still resonating with the pangs of hope for what could have been but never will be. I know that it is what is right and what is best but i still can't help taking one last backward glance. It's not unlike the feeling of walking off the playground after not getting picked for dodge ball you can't help but look back at those happy smiling faces and wishing to be one of them but you continue your walk away regardless. But gladly the world is not all somber reflections and self pity, tonight was a fun and happy night proceeded by a day of equal amounts of joy and laughter and not a little dash of flirting from several sources all in all I'm going to bed with a smile on my face and excitement in my heart for the adventure tomorrow will be (giant dune water slides and a handsome date for the evening are the main attractions we shall see what happens in-between.) For now it's time for communion with one thing that knows all my secrets and dreams...my pillow.

Exhaustion

Monday- school 9:45-5

Casting elephant mold for sculpture 5-7:15

Go home make dinner work on homework until 12:30

Tuesday- school 9-6

Wash car buy grocery shopping and visit brother 6-8:30

Friends football game 9-11

Head drawing project 11:30-4am

Wednesday - school 9:45-5

Go home make dinner and work on sculpture 6:30- 1:30 am

Thursday school 9-6

Nephews b-day party 6-8

Friends football game 9-10:30ish

Homework 11-?

This is my life i love it but I'm super tired, Sure i could cut out the fun things and get my home work done earlier but where's the fun in that.

Resilience

Stick to your guns, stand up for what you feel, fight for to be respected; all these sound so much easier to execute then they really are. All I want is to give in, turn over and appease. Where does this weakness stem from? And this indecision? Why do i crumble in the face of indifference? In real obvious confrontation i stand tall and strong but when there is ambiguity, when the situation is somewhat unclear, i vacillate between the options unsure of which is the appropriate route. Where to go from here i know the only real option is forward to let go of what is refuse and move forward hoping for what ma or may not ever be an option. I can't stand not having a plan, a goal, something to work toward. I loathe to be idol in my progression and so i will change my focus and choose to think of those things that i can control, the things that i can see an actual result in pursuing. Onward and upward through the long night of life.

Standing still but moving forward

A day of running and rain. Strangely enough i ran when it was clear and stood still when it was pouring. Trying to make ends meet deadlines and to leave the shaking outside of drawing class. For all the anxiety i had today none of it was caused by the usual subject. I am at peace at least in one area, a break is what i needed to free myself and a break is what i got. Now i need only to keep myself busy in my freedom in order to remain that way. How easily i fall to those blue eyes, but oh how they over look me constantly. For one night i thought they saw me but it was the reflection of loneliness that they sought and nothing more. And so onward i move no longer scanning the crowd for familiarity in a strangers face. I keep my eyes on my path and have no more time to give away for free. I work, I study, I find my own voice again and will not give it up like i used to. I will be the version of myself that i am in my head not the one my mouth tries to make me out to be.

To Brunette Girls with Brown Eyes

I HATE YOU. You'll never truly understand why because you aren't smart enough to realize what a great thing you've got going for you. He's cute and funny and smart and amazing and you just don't get it. He'll love you because of your poop colored features and not me because who wants a ginger kid when you can have a olive skinned goddess? So take heed you coffee complexioned temptresses you better treat him right because one thing we do have as redheads is a bad temper and you do not want to be on the wrong side of that.

random returns

I know i'm horrible at this whole blogging thing but life is sometimes just not as inspiring as one would hope. The train of time ticks on down the tracks dragging my sorry self with it. As unforgiving as the turns in the tracks can be sometimes it's just what i needed in order to see where the other bend would take me. Unfortunately its still impossible to see what lies ahead on the one i'm currently on. No more damsel in distress here, she's behind the wheel now, aiming to run you over if you piss her off. Like the circus monkeys that trying to board but can't decide what their destination will be, friend vill or lover land. The train full of sugar sells few tickets and yet some of those who are offered safe passage end up getting redlined in the middle of the night. I'm done with stowaways and free loaders if you want on this train you're going to have to work for it.

enough with trains...

One thing I have to say since he'll never read this is You are an emotional flirt! Knowing someone, who you don't like, likes you does NOT make it ok to flirt with them more!!!( not just talking about myself) It's just mean and we don't like it. Look you're a great guy, cute (heaven knows how cute) funny, very smart, but do us a favor and stop being so easy to like it's makes it really hard to put you back in the friend box where you say you want to be and where i wish i could keep you but i have yet to figure out how (little known fact i've been trying to do that since april) I know there's only so much that i can put on you but it just makes it easier if you're a bad guy and not someone who just doesn't like me back. So do all of us a favor, because sadly i'm in the same catagory with all the other sad little girls who you can't see, stop being you when you're around us. (at least until i find someone else :-) )

Is it so much to ask?

I know I'm not the first girl to not have a phone call returned by a the guy I'm interested in and I'm also sure i won't be the last, but am I wrong to be upset by it? Is it wrong that my hopes where deflated by it? That I now know that he is not that into me because of it? There was no good reason for it and not the first occurrence from this individual. And so because of the ex boyfriend who shared this lovely trait, who put me into counseling, I am predisposed to despise anyone who shares this attribute. Is that to harsh? Or am I just being very realistic? I feel like I'm justified. It's not as if we were dating I'm not even sure if the one time we actually spent alone together counts as a date but there were signs of feelings and for me at least there was a hope of more. But in place of the kiss I hoped would come I had a night of empty disappointment and a whole week to think about it.

Maybe it's for the best, to start the new semester with a clean slate open for whatever comes from it. Full of hope but sadly still stinging from the realization that once again I picked someone who didn't pick me back. SOoo onward and upward to find someone who will.

WHO LOVES DATING, CAUSE I KNOW I DON'T.