longing

I was caught off guard by how things happened. I didn't expect to feel this when you left. I had been so torn about how i felt in the first place whether or not i actually trusted you and the feelings i had for you. Then it happened you said good bye and i was sad but you said not to be because this wasn't the end, but how can we be so sure? We who struggle communicating face to face what will we do with over 700 miles between us? I'm lost without a map, i have no idea what to do or how this is going to go, all I know is that I miss you already and it's only day 2, only 178 left to go.

Hormones!

HONESTLY I shouldn't be allowed to be amongst normal people when I'm this unbalanced hormonally! I do stupid things, I'm effected by people far to easily and I always, always, overanalyze my relationships. Stupid poem, stupid timing of his nap, I don't know what i was thinking. I wasn't, this i know, at least not clearly but i did do one smart thing.... nothing i ran away to Rigby so i could whack some weeds and come back to myself. I don't know what it is about killing plants but it is certainly therapeutic. I have worries of course but nothing crazy except for when I'm emotionally unstable and I can't seem to connect to rational thought. In a stress induced frenzy topped off by low blood sugar I thought of giving it all up of cutting out everything that is making my world even the slightest bit complicated but thankfully i came back to myself and realized that I really like that cute funny blue eyed boy, I actually enjoy creating art and I love my roommates despite their best efforts to dislike each other. Why is it that my crazy week always coincides with already emotionally taxing times? I think it is best answered by the tootsie pop slogan "...the world may never know."

delight

These last few days have been great. Nothing too out of the ordinary as far as everyday life goes but i've spent my spare time with you. Every time you reach for me I let you in a little more, every time you do it in front of someone else I trust you a little more and every time you kiss me I fall a little more. It's the little differences that are making it easy to fall back into liking you like i did before. The texts to see how my day is, the fact that you respond almost always. I won't even let myself think about what the end of next week will bring I'm not ready to go there yet. We just got to this point and it will all be changed again. How I'm not exactly sure yet but it won't be the same. For now I'm just going to enjoy you and your closeness and if it's all a dream please don't let me wake up.

Caution

I let those blue eyes take me in again. What do I even say at this point? I like you but I don't trust you. I don't trust your intentions or that you really even like me. With our history can you blame me? Communication has never been our strong suit. I know you're comfortable around me we can both be ourselves and it's easy, but you can find that anywhere what makes you want me? Why now? What changed? We communicate without words well but is that all this is? I've done that time and time again and I can't go back. Not to the never knowing, not to the insecurity, not to the empty feelings of constant doubt. But for all my proclamations of never going back I sure cave whenever it comes to you. I cover up the hurt you caused my heart and say that it wasn't that bad. But the truth is you broke it and now i don't know if you can really have it back again. The truth is I'm scared of what might happen if I let you in one more time.

weighted risk

Sometimes it's hard to see the lesson that should have been learned. Other times it's hard to apply it to what comes next. Almost like a test to see if you really learned anything. You know you have and sometimes regardless of what you've been through or experienced it's hard not to slip back into old habits. Maybe not to the same degree and not in complete truth but your movements happen without thought words fall from your mouth when you wish you would've held them in. Nothing serious or damaging you just see yourself moving in that old way and wonder to yourself "Why am i doing this? I thought I had changed?" Slipping those old comfy shoes on again, so tempting but you know it's not what should be and you aren't the same anymore.

Good, better, best. A hard choice, especially when what you're choosing is still a question mark and may never actually exist. That's the risk you run when you pick door number 3, the wild card or the mystery prize, it may be the greatest thing since sliced bread or you may end up with absolutely nothing. But I, who's almost never a gambling girl, am going to put all my chips on the hope that that prize is everything I hope it will be and more. Worth the risk? You better believe it!

Fond memories

What I'll miss:

How you twirled my hair in your fingers

The swirl of yellow in your green eyes

Your deep thinking when you're sleepy

Being your mermaid

How much we talk about our missions

You opening my doors

Fish kisses

Getting lost with you (even though it may not have seemed like it :-))

How goofy you get late at night

Your sometimes deep voice ;-)

Your aversion to cold

That you have no secrets

How much you love the gospel

Being able to tell you anything (that's a big deal for me)

Cooking dinner with you

How much you talk about your dad and your little brother

Studying with you in the library

You walking me to class

Being able to kiss you just because

Your smell

Your inability to remember names

How you talk to everyone

Dancing bachata with you

Speaking spanish with you

How you tickle my arms

Your awesome tie collection

How easy your emotions are to read on your face

Being able to spend a whole day with you and never running out of things to say

I wish you happiness and I hope that you find someone who deserves you.

lágrimas misterioso

One set of arms invites me in but not with real intent only in loneliness. Another set of arms wishes they could welcome me in but won't do it. So I wrap my own around myself in protection of the heart that no one seems to know how to keep safe. When will the day come where i can let go and not worry if there is a safety net to catch me before i shatter? All day the rain clouds have been hovering above me in an otherwise cloudless sky but with so much sun the storm stays far enough away that i can't truly feel it. I smile i laugh but without truly realizing I'm sad "Oh di me noche amiga si son mías las lágrimas que vierto" I'm too tired to know, the path is too worn between my emotions and so they all bleed together in a indecipherable numbness. I'm hoping sleep will bring the clarity that i seek, that which escapes my anxious mind during waking hours. Vamos a ver what tomorrow brings, more confusion? Or a day of peace long overdue?