Hope

A week of absolute giddiness. Who knew that guys like that were still in existence? But like always the fear creeps in. Always waiting for the closet jerk to appear, for the switch to be flipped and me to be left here wondering what happened. Oh how i hope that isn't the next part of this story. I understand the reservations, the fear, I have my own version of it. The insecurities and doubts that plague every relationship i've had are not absent but they are kept at a distance by you're constant presence but today in your absence and in the sleepy unsure moments we spent together today the small flame of doubt was stoked to one that burns a bit more substantially. I'm hoping that it will be squelched tomorrow when i see you. Normally i would course correct and go into class tomorrow with my i don't need you face on and my red head attitude firmly in place but I can't fake it with you i like you and that's that i've already decided that if you let me down i won't even pretend like i don't care because i would.

I'm scared I seem to be falling down the rabbit hole and I can't even make myself stop long enough to leave bread crumbs to lead myself back if things go wrong. Head first, not looking back, it's very unlike me. I who will do any and everything to protect my heart from being broken again. I'm giving in I'm showing all my cards(well most of them...) and I'm not worried I may still be scared but for the time being my excitement out weighs my fear. I hope that the pattern is broken that I'm not left again with nothing but the confusion of how it got to that point.

Please be all that you seem to be.

late night reflections

There are times when you ask for something from the Lord and when it is answered it makes you sad. Today is one of those days. It's not a bitter sad or one left of the embers of anger but a peaceful almost resolute kind of feeling but still resonating with the pangs of hope for what could have been but never will be. I know that it is what is right and what is best but i still can't help taking one last backward glance. It's not unlike the feeling of walking off the playground after not getting picked for dodge ball you can't help but look back at those happy smiling faces and wishing to be one of them but you continue your walk away regardless. But gladly the world is not all somber reflections and self pity, tonight was a fun and happy night proceeded by a day of equal amounts of joy and laughter and not a little dash of flirting from several sources all in all I'm going to bed with a smile on my face and excitement in my heart for the adventure tomorrow will be (giant dune water slides and a handsome date for the evening are the main attractions we shall see what happens in-between.) For now it's time for communion with one thing that knows all my secrets and dreams...my pillow.

Exhaustion

Monday- school 9:45-5

Casting elephant mold for sculpture 5-7:15

Go home make dinner work on homework until 12:30

Tuesday- school 9-6

Wash car buy grocery shopping and visit brother 6-8:30

Friends football game 9-11

Head drawing project 11:30-4am

Wednesday - school 9:45-5

Go home make dinner and work on sculpture 6:30- 1:30 am

Thursday school 9-6

Nephews b-day party 6-8

Friends football game 9-10:30ish

Homework 11-?

This is my life i love it but I'm super tired, Sure i could cut out the fun things and get my home work done earlier but where's the fun in that.

Resilience

Stick to your guns, stand up for what you feel, fight for to be respected; all these sound so much easier to execute then they really are. All I want is to give in, turn over and appease. Where does this weakness stem from? And this indecision? Why do i crumble in the face of indifference? In real obvious confrontation i stand tall and strong but when there is ambiguity, when the situation is somewhat unclear, i vacillate between the options unsure of which is the appropriate route. Where to go from here i know the only real option is forward to let go of what is refuse and move forward hoping for what ma or may not ever be an option. I can't stand not having a plan, a goal, something to work toward. I loathe to be idol in my progression and so i will change my focus and choose to think of those things that i can control, the things that i can see an actual result in pursuing. Onward and upward through the long night of life.

Standing still but moving forward

A day of running and rain. Strangely enough i ran when it was clear and stood still when it was pouring. Trying to make ends meet deadlines and to leave the shaking outside of drawing class. For all the anxiety i had today none of it was caused by the usual subject. I am at peace at least in one area, a break is what i needed to free myself and a break is what i got. Now i need only to keep myself busy in my freedom in order to remain that way. How easily i fall to those blue eyes, but oh how they over look me constantly. For one night i thought they saw me but it was the reflection of loneliness that they sought and nothing more. And so onward i move no longer scanning the crowd for familiarity in a strangers face. I keep my eyes on my path and have no more time to give away for free. I work, I study, I find my own voice again and will not give it up like i used to. I will be the version of myself that i am in my head not the one my mouth tries to make me out to be.